Oh, hi America, it’s been a while. Is that a boombox with a Peter Gabriel CD loaded up? Where did you even find one of those in 2022? Alright, come in, come in, no reason to make a scene.
Honestly, I’m surprised to see you here. I only sell around 1,100 to 2,500 units a month, after all. It’s not like you got rid of all your small, fuel efficient cars by focusing on the most profitable but least efficient vehicles possible in a short-sighted money grab and then got hit with astronomical gas prices.
Ah, OK. That is what happened, and now you’re here, hat in hand, asking me, the cheapest and most fuel efficient gas-powered vehicle the last five years running, to consider you as an owner.
I am not surprised. As your automakers spent the last few years killing off small, affordable car after small, affordable car, I bided my time, never trying to be anything more than what I am: an affordable, efficient tool for scooting from Point A to Point B (and on the weekends, Point C.) Your precious Ford and GM can no longer save you — unless you have nearly $44,000 minimum to get into a Mach-E or manage to snatch up the last of my tiny and affordable brother from another mother, the Chevy Spark. But even the Spark doesn’t get milage quite like I do. And that’s if you can even find one with the supply line shortages still hitting all these technologically advanced vehicles. Me? You can still get me as a manual. I’m bare bones, baby ‚ functional yet not without form. And you just need to spend less than $15,000 and suddenly, you’re rolling in a Mirage.
Sure I’ve got a tiny, 78 horsepower engine — less horsepower than some motorcycles — but as Erik Shilling pointed out, my power-to-weight ratio is roughly the same as a 1978 BMW 318i. So keep that in mind. Plus, a manual hatchback — those are technically some serious enthusiast bona fides. You’re basically buying a future classic when you pick me. It’s an investment in a future Bring A Trailer listing that someday might put your kids through college.
Did I mention I have a much tighter turning radius than the Chevy Spark or Kia Rio. Well... I do. No struggling to park my cute little derrière.
Five doors and a stick, all ready to feel your embrace while saving you money. And I do this all for you because I forgive you. You heard the siren song of the giant gas guzzlers and soaked in the harsh criticism of my straight forward attributes from the American automotive press (though here at Jalopnik, I have my defenders), but I always knew you’d be back. It’s all water under the floorboards as far as I’m concerned. While it is tempting to tell you all to eat shit, I will not. I can not. For I am here for you.
I was always here for you.